Thinking out loud

People tell you how your life will change when you become a mother... And it does, but you can't understand it until it happens to you. These little miracles come into your life and you feel this love that is so strong, so unconditional and deep. You literally have a part of you on the outside. You are now responsible for this life and miracle that you created.  You love like you have never loved before. You will never sleep the same again and you worry. You worry all the time!

When I was pregnant with Jackson I tried to do everything right... During my pregnancy I would not take a sip of alcohol, no smoking of course, I took my vitamin and folic acid. I did everything I was told. I wanted to do right by my baby. And then at 2 1/2 years old this baby (now child) that I love more than life gets diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. That day my life changed forever...

Now I worry even more then before. I wake up during the night to see if he's breathing (sometimes more than once). I worry when I drop him off at daycare. I worry about traveling with him. I worry about what the future holds. I worry and hope he gets a good job with good insurance when he's older. I worry all the time!

The doctors said we will never know what caused it.... But all I could do what think what I did wrong. Is it my fault? Where did I slip? Should I have tried harder to breast feed him longer? Should I have used different formula? What did I do wrong?

When pregnant friends and co-workers talk and worry about having a sick baby or a baby with a handicap I always tell them "I truly believe god gives us only what we can handle". So I guess god thought Olivier and I can handle a child with diabetes. He thought we were strong enough. And I promise I am doing everything I can, every day to do the very best I can for Jackson. All while being strong for him... But the truth is, Jackson is stronger! He is a soldier at heart and he can handle life with diabetes. He makes me stronger. He makes me a better mom and he inspires me everyday! He is kind, smart, strong and so full of light and life. He makes me believe I did something right.